Contributor: Donal Mahoney

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Listen up! It's Deacon Simon here,
reporting on Pastor Harold Schnabel,
the minister we long ago defrocked.
Remember how he went to Holland
years ago. Hard to believe but
he's coming back a millionaire
who made his money
running a bordello for midgets
with Peyronie's Disease
in downtown Amsterdam.

He hired his staff carefully,
favoring double-jointed women who
understand the geometry of angles,
isosceles and otherwise.
He's coming back to take advantage
of an American Renaissance
in porkpie hats. He says men
will wear them once again
this summer and possibly forever.
It will be the same porkpie hat

made famous by Buster Keaton,
the beloved comedian,
who for years was chief custodian
in Harold's congregation, long before
we deacons finally defrocked him
for simony, calumny,
heterosexuality and serial fraud.
Anyone who thinks Harold's wrong
about an American Renaissance
in porkpie hats needs to remember

the startling success he's had
running that bordello for midgets
with Peyronie's Disease.
The staff of ladies he recruited.
made Harold a millionaire.
We defrocked him for cause but
he's an entrepreneur extraordinaire.
He knows midgets and porkpie hats.
So, please, join me at the airport
Sunday morning after services

so we can make Harold's return
to our beautiful city a boffo event.
He's giving out free porkpie hats
to everyone who comes to greet him.
And big discounts to all midgets
with Peyronie's Disease planning
a trip to Amsterdam this Spring
to admire--what else?--the tulips.
There will never be another Harold.
Let's welcome Pastor Schnabel home.


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A product of Chicago, Donal Mahoney now lives in St. Louis, Missouri.