Red Light-Green Light-Go

Contributor: KBounds

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In relationships are where my fear tries to flourish
Little dark corners of inadequacies
the sun rises
to light up my flaws

I don’t (and can’t) always feel beautiful
but
I should feel worthy
worthy of love (insert shoulda-coulda-woulda here)
and my love is
a big-open-warm-enveloping
“I’m so happy to see you – my heart smiles to be near you” Love.

I feel a deep need (Desire to be realsies here because I can/do/will live without)
inside of me to share this Love
with just a wondrous abandon, a child-like delight,
without
fear of a landmine disguised as a gesture-word-touch-Nope: “I changed my mind”

If “it” is …Real Love… you CAN’T change your mind - not arbitrarily
Isn’t Real Love beyond the self-will?
Wouldn’t the heart have to Be closed and the mind Decides to change
or do they just Reveal their Truth?

More likely the latter (or so I hope though I don’t understand, I just don’t understand)
and
while perhaps the intent to love
that Desire-hope-Dream was there
heart and mind must agree – or –
disappointment will follow. It has been mine.

I don’t want to say
I don’t know how
I find it “easy” to say I trust God – but do I trust in me?
My gut, so spot on in my surrounding life
in Love?

I want to trust, I think so, Almost Know So but doubt
falls from my head toward my heart
covering my path with little breadcrumbs
and
I keep looking back over my shoulder
Can I find my way back
If I do see a landmine? Before I place my foot down?

And
Can I really move forward
If I keep looking back?


Just how long do I stand on this corner?


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I write to share what my head says and to know I'm not alone.